WAS IT ME OR HIM?

In 2017, I realized that I needed to end my marriage after only being married to him since 2015. I laugh about the time frame now because I should have never gotten married in the first place, but I was trying to do what was right for our 1-year-old son. Thinking about it now, I had several red flags during our years of dating but could never put my finger on it as to what it really was, but something was definitely off. 

At first, all I wanted to do was point fingers at my husband as to why our marriage was failing but not everything was his fault.  I had to do some major reflecting on myself and my actions as well.  I can see this now but not at that time.  (More on reflecting at a later date!)

I thought I loved him but several years have passed now and I can honestly say that I was never in love. Nor did I even know what being in love was.  

I do have to give thanks to my marriage though and to the time that I had with my son's dad because I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn’t for that relationship.  

During the separation I had the kids and I go to therapy and one thing she said was to journal my feelings.  I remember writing in my journal all the things that I hated about my ex, but the most interesting thing happened, time and time again, I would end each journal entry with a prayer asking for God to watch over him and help him heal with whatever wounds he had from his past.  

I knew the way he acted with me was a reflection of how he was raised.  I didn't know specifics, but I knew deep down there were issues that were not resolved.  I think we all have childhood traumas but learning to get through them and move on is a whole different ball game.  

Going through what I went through in that marriage led me on a self-healing journey myself.  I didn’t know it at the time, but it was the start of a new life for me.